Lawyers, indeed. If I'd found candivorce.ca before I hired a lawyer I'd be in a much better place. Now don't get me wrong, I have a friend who's a lawyer. A couple of friends, as a matter of fact. I should have called them first before I contacted a lawyer - not only because they know me, but because they have honourable values that, apparently, most lawyers don't possess.
Nobody cares about your case as much as you do. Especially your lawyer.
What you don't ask, your lawyer probably won't tell you.
Your lawyer has lots of clients and their first interest is their own wallet. My lawyer didn't tell me; my husband's lawyer didn't tell him: if you've been separated for a year or more, divorce in Canada is a mail box away (almost). Just like Colin says. Why?
Money, of course. Your money in the lawyer's pocket. If they told you that, you wouldn't be their client.
And there's more about money. Your lawyer will ask you for a retainer. What they won't tell you is they're going to charge you for every email you send, every phone call you make, every time. When you stop to think about it, it's not really unreasonable. Dealing with clients is how they make their money. What's unreasonable is that they don't tell you this up front. But it gets worse.
I went into this divorce thinking my lawyer would have my best interests at heart. I thought my lawyer would ensure that I understood the process as well as my rights and options. Well, that was a foolish idea. My lawyer didn't seem to think that was very important and she wasn't particularly interested in communicating with me. When she did communicate she was very condescending.
So I started surfing the web, looking for more information. That was the start of taking my own power back and that's when I found candivorce.ca. I wasn't sure whether or not I should trust what Colin presented on the web, so I decided to call him to see what kind of vibe I'd get.
We talked, and Colin told me a couple of things that stuck. (Actually, he's since taught me a lot more, but I'll just mention these for now). He told me that lawyers don't make good therapists: their fees are much higher and they don't have the training! Well, duh. But when you're in a hyper-anxious state sometimes you need to be reminded of the obvious.
And he told me another story about lawyers and money. He told me my lawyer would soon be asking for another retainer. After talking with him I decided I had nothing to lose but $200 and it seemed like a reasonable risk. I could pay another 2 grand to my lawyer or use Colin's site. I decided to fire my lawyer and use Colin's site. And sure enough, I've watched my husband's lawyer and Colin was right about the ongoing retainers. And none of it was necessary. We could have done this without a lawyer for about $600.
What I've learned and would like to share with others: you give away your power when you hire a lawyer. Unless your situation is very complicated you don't need a lawyer for a simple divorce. Passing responsibility to my lawyer did nothing to improve my understanding of the process or reduce my anxiety. It's not easy. But at least I don't have the anxiety of going into debt another $10,000 and at the rate we're going that's what I estimate it's going to cost my x before we're finished.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Separation Agreement Blues
Maybe I should call this Command and Control Part 2, because for the most part separation agreement blues deals mostly with misinformation. Here is how to protect you.
Alternatively, Divorce Specialist Colin Kennedy will review your completed agreement. That's right, but don't expect me to answer the fairness of who gets the two cats and the deck furniture. I can suggest changes to your separation agreement so that it complies with your provincial law. This service comes with a small fee, and you can see the full story at http://www.candivorce.ca/approval.htm.
If you want to share your good news or horror stories, then there are hundreds of people ready to read and respond in this open forum.
To post a question or a statement click on the comment thing.
- In the written separation agreement there are five points just above the space for your signature.
These points say that the facts are true, you have full knowledge, you have acted in good faith and you understand the agreement, and have not been intimidated. If you are not sure then don’t sign. Run. - If you believe your partner is acting in good faith, then things may be fine.
- If you understand the spirit of the agreement, and it doesn’t hurt then fine.
- Here is a biggy: your agreement can not over- rule the Child Support Guidelines.
- If you have doubt ask questions. Ask for proof of income, and ask for bank statements.
- Do your own homework, do your own research, take charge of you.
- Hire a lawyer or two. It is his/her job to make the best deal for you. But the idea is to get things done without spending money on legal bills.
Alternatively, Divorce Specialist Colin Kennedy will review your completed agreement. That's right, but don't expect me to answer the fairness of who gets the two cats and the deck furniture. I can suggest changes to your separation agreement so that it complies with your provincial law. This service comes with a small fee, and you can see the full story at http://www.candivorce.ca/approval.htm.
If you want to share your good news or horror stories, then there are hundreds of people ready to read and respond in this open forum.
To post a question or a statement click on the comment thing.
Trapped with no place to go.
She is trapped in a marriage or relationship and can not afford to leave. Many times a week mail lands in my inbox with this common theme; and part of the letter will describe her plight, her trappness if you will.
“I don’t have a real job, and have no money of my own. I can not afford to move out. What do I do”?
“Where do I go with three kids in school….no money…no hope….I’m stuck”.
Then there is the old-married. The wife and husband have been together since the days of 8-track. They have joint property and pensions, and a home full of figurines and memories. “I have been a stay-at-home mom, no money of my own so how can I afford a lawyer or afford to leave”?
One response is a short letter called All Will Be Well. You may have seen it; and for some it is encouraging; but for most it’s just hollow words. Unforturneatly I can not help or fix everyone and I am often left without an kind of answer at all.
Look at this, the writer is Heide, and your comments are welcomed.
“i need to know that i will get child support half of our assets half of his pension and spouse support. I gave up a good job on my husbands faith that i wouldn't have to work anymore and then he started not giving me any money and now he is buying the groceries that he thinks we need and only what he thinks we need in the meantime i have no clothes have no money for activities. He goes on weekend trips he buys himself a convertible car and he plans motorbike trips because he makes good money and "I guess you choose not to work you could go work at an assembly plant and make more money if you chose to". but for other things we have no money and i am just to walk away having nothing but a 10 dollar pr hr job and nothing else just because i don't like to be treated like crap. I need to know there is someone out there that will truly help me. I have had our car taken away so that i have had to hick rides with total stranger when i wanted to go somewhere in todays society that is ok no big deal if you don't like it the you can leave but with nothing. Thats what i am hearing from him and you said you couldn't always get what you want. I have had to do without for 15 years and I'm not about to walk away. Abuse is abuse.”
(To log your comment or post a question click on comments).
“I don’t have a real job, and have no money of my own. I can not afford to move out. What do I do”?
“Where do I go with three kids in school….no money…no hope….I’m stuck”.
Then there is the old-married. The wife and husband have been together since the days of 8-track. They have joint property and pensions, and a home full of figurines and memories. “I have been a stay-at-home mom, no money of my own so how can I afford a lawyer or afford to leave”?
One response is a short letter called All Will Be Well. You may have seen it; and for some it is encouraging; but for most it’s just hollow words. Unforturneatly I can not help or fix everyone and I am often left without an kind of answer at all.
Look at this, the writer is Heide, and your comments are welcomed.
“i need to know that i will get child support half of our assets half of his pension and spouse support. I gave up a good job on my husbands faith that i wouldn't have to work anymore and then he started not giving me any money and now he is buying the groceries that he thinks we need and only what he thinks we need in the meantime i have no clothes have no money for activities. He goes on weekend trips he buys himself a convertible car and he plans motorbike trips because he makes good money and "I guess you choose not to work you could go work at an assembly plant and make more money if you chose to". but for other things we have no money and i am just to walk away having nothing but a 10 dollar pr hr job and nothing else just because i don't like to be treated like crap. I need to know there is someone out there that will truly help me. I have had our car taken away so that i have had to hick rides with total stranger when i wanted to go somewhere in todays society that is ok no big deal if you don't like it the you can leave but with nothing. Thats what i am hearing from him and you said you couldn't always get what you want. I have had to do without for 15 years and I'm not about to walk away. Abuse is abuse.”
(To log your comment or post a question click on comments).
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Command and Control
Divorce Specialist Colin Kennedy.
The things that I write about here and at the legal web site deals with separation and divorce issues. I receive tons of mail; and one reoccuring theme is about control by missinformation.
OK, the letters don't have "I am being controlled by missinformation" in the subject line, or the text body. It's not mentioned at all - because the spouse who is being controlled or dominanted is often unaware.
How do you tell if you are being snowed by missinformation? Listen for words like:
"My lawyer says....." or
"If you go after child support I'll go after custody"!
"Only a lawyer can draw up a separation agreement".
"It was your fault that we split so why should I have to pay....?"
Is it a threat or is it fact? Can one spouse refuse to pay child support? Too often the question goes unanswered, and somebody suffers.
If you have read two or three of my reports then you have decent informaiton of your own. How can you get him/her to see the light. Is it the old horse-and-water syndrome?
Your comments are welcome. You may share your own control issues because sometimes if feels so good to let it out.
The things that I write about here and at the legal web site deals with separation and divorce issues. I receive tons of mail; and one reoccuring theme is about control by missinformation.
OK, the letters don't have "I am being controlled by missinformation" in the subject line, or the text body. It's not mentioned at all - because the spouse who is being controlled or dominanted is often unaware.
How do you tell if you are being snowed by missinformation? Listen for words like:
"My lawyer says....." or
"If you go after child support I'll go after custody"!
"Only a lawyer can draw up a separation agreement".
"It was your fault that we split so why should I have to pay....?"
Is it a threat or is it fact? Can one spouse refuse to pay child support? Too often the question goes unanswered, and somebody suffers.
If you have read two or three of my reports then you have decent informaiton of your own. How can you get him/her to see the light. Is it the old horse-and-water syndrome?
Your comments are welcome. You may share your own control issues because sometimes if feels so good to let it out.
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